ambivalence [23 Dec 2009|02:19am] drinkturpentine [ mood | blank ] i've always been familiar with the sentiment of ambivalence, but i've never felt it more acutely than i do now. i feel so incredibly uncertain of everything in my life. i feel as though the rug has been pulled from under me when the rug wasn't even complete. i don't know if i want to do great things or if i want to just be. i can't tell if i'm hot shit or just a piece of shit. i don't know if i'll ever do anything of note, or if it even matters whether or not i do. what do i have to offer? who knows if i'll ever write anything worth reading, or if the masses will ever taste my cooking. is fame something i even desire? maybe it's good enough to just share my talents with loved ones. my so-called talents are not even extraordinary. i haven't been reading. i haven't been writing. i haven't been creating, unless you count food. am i resting, relaxing, or am i just stagnating? is my life full of passion and excitement, or is it just empty pleasure? am i having fun or am i just distracting myself from facing reality? do i want to move across the world or do i want to settle down? when will the pain subside? when will the pleasure find balance? when will i regain sight of stability? will moving away change the constant turmoil churning inside me? i don't know that it will. is my judgment clouded, or is it just the atmosphere? i feel like there is no one i can go to for advice. no matter where i turn, all i find is judgment. no one seems to approve of the way i've been handling things. i feel like i'm existing in a constant gray area where nothing is right or wrong, things just are. at the same time, i feel like anything i grab on to for comfort is nothing but an illusion to alleviate my uncertainty. post comment

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